The Cleaning Fairy

Have you ever wondered how your rubbish bin comes to be miraculously empty every morning? How the coffee stains on your desk are just magic-ed away overnight?

IT’S ME GUYS!

I am the cleaning fairy.

My current selection of employment for my money-making summer includes a cafe and specialty foods shop, a catering company and a cleaning franchise. I have my finger in all pies, which guarantees regular income and versatility, which is fabulous for people who get bored easily like myself.

Cleaning is perhaps not the most glamorous of occupations, but it is top notch for those days when you don’t particularly want to talk to people or make an effort with your appearance. I scrape my hair back into a wee alfalfa, pop on my large blue cleaning shirt and black pants, fill my drink bottle, strap on my strap-on vacuum cleaner (yup, I do that), and I’m away!

In general, I find that unappealing situations in life can become far more appealing, when one is willing to laugh at oneself.

For example, when I am down on hands and knees in a kindergarten scraping play dough off the carpet with a piece of lego, with a hefty hoover bumping me on the back of the head, I like to think, “I wonder what I look like from behind right now?”

Or when I am vacuuming in a classroom and the vacuum cleaner lead gets tangled in a chair and the chair falls off the desk which creates a domino effect on all the other chairs in the room, and I rush around trying to put them all up again only to remember I am still wearing the vacuum cleaner, it has been following me, and I have created a labyrinth of vacuum lead which I must retrace or forever remain entangled in its sucky embrace. It would be a horrible end.

Or when I am bent over, hoovering under a desk intently, when the kindergarten parrot begins to sing a serenade, and wolf whistle until I straighten up and give him a reprimanding look, as if to say, “you cheeky parrot, you”. I’ll be honest with you, its the most attention I get these days, and I am beginning to look forward to our meetings. Love you Paz.

I think the worst is when there are ACTUAL HUMANS in the room when these things happen. In general it is just middle-aged women marking school papers, but every now and then the sexual physical education teacher turns up, and I just can’t look him in the eye when I’m wearing a vacuum cleaner backpack with straps around my waist, and a very Rosie-glow sheen in the face.

I have a lot of time to think, so sometimes I entertain fantasies of myself arriving at the school as a teacher, and Mr PE teacher is a cleaner, and the tables are TURNED, and I have the power, and I make him vacuum everywhere while I watch. I’ll show him physical education! Pah!

Sometimes I think I have too much time to think, which is when I start listening to podcasts, about a vast variety of things. Aliens, Murder, Gardening, Films, Politics (But not really cos I just don’t quite care enough), Food (which just makes me hungry and certainly consider taking an apple from the kindergarten fruit bowl), Travel, Things I Didn’t Know Which I Should, Things I Think I Know But Actually I’m Wrong, Superfoods and Why Are They Super (Indeed!)…. The list goes on.

It is a bit of a skill to take work that people may look down upon (quite literally, when I am under the desk), and turn it into an opportunity for humour, education, and a perspective on life from a different standpoint.

Next time you sharpen your pencil onto the floor, take a little moment to thank your cleaning fairies.

We know whats in your rubbish bin. Wink Wink.

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